• Maii


Updated: May 27, 2020

If you follow me on Instagram then you’ll know that, to a certain extent, I’m an open book when it comes to life experiences. I am the way I am today because growing up I never had a big sister to give me advice or help me navigate my dating life.

The closest thing I got to dating advice was from my mum who always told me that having standards would keep a man and that those standards would make that man want to marry me. You can imagine how surprised I was when I followed my mum’s advice and ended up getting bamboozled or taken nowhere but for granted.

Nevertheless, experience has been the best yet toughest teacher and if you had a parent who sheltered you from the realities of the dating world like me, this article is for you.

Keeping Your Legs Closed Will Not Keep a Man

When I was younger my mum constantly told me that men liked women who kept their legs closed. You can imagine how shocked I was when I refused to sleep with a certain guy, only for my “friend” to do the honours or when I refused to kiss some guy and he went for someone else. So much for standards and keeping my legs closed.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging anyone because this site is a safe space. I’m simply letting you know that if you think that you’ll secure a man based off of virginity alone, you’re in for a rude awakening. What parents need to do is teach their children how to set standards within a relationship and let them know that only a man who wants to be kept  will stay loyal or commit.

The Way to a Man’s Heart is through his Stomach

Honey, honey this is the biggest lie women love to share. Like most women who didn’t know any better, I once wasted my time cooking for a man who would have been just fine eating bread and butter from Muriel from across the street. I was so delusional and caught up in this lie that I asked everybody and their ancestors to send me their best recipes, and guess what? He went for a second plate and Houdinied after. Don’t let your friends and grandmothers fool you, cooking that chicken stew won’t secure the ring. Go ahead and give him bread and butter or kandolo.

Dating is a Numbers Game…

For some people. I hate to say it but it’s the simple truth. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you thought that the person you were seeing was only seeing you, only to discover that they were seeing you, Jane, Honey, GeeGee and whoever else, and you didn’t make the cut. Guess what, you were a participant in the Bachelor and didn’t even know it.

I’m not saying that you should be out there seeing 20, 000 people – what you should be doing is taking one egg from the carton and putting them in his basket as the relationship progresses. We women make the mistake of putting all our eggs in the “potential” man’s basket way too early in the relationship and wonder why we get disappointed. Be invested in the guy you like but also explore other options until the main guy DTR’S (Define(s) The Relationship aka makes yall exclusive).

Situationships ARE NOT Okay

I used to think that the term “Situationships” was cute until I found myself in one. For those who have no idea what a situationship is, a situationship is essentially a relationship that hasn't been defined. It’s a relationship with no title, you’re exclusive but not exclusive.

One of the biggest lies we women like to tell each other is “just wait, he’ll ask you out eventually he’s trying to figure out how” or “I had a friend who waited for 10 years and the guy she was in situationship with finally asked her out”. If your friend ever gives you such advice, PUSH HER OFF A CLIFF. Understand that her friend was the exception to the rule, and no he’s not waiting for the right moment, he’s enjoying the perks of a false relationship.

If you ever find yourself in a situationship, give yourself a deadline and leave if he doesn't ask you out by then. In my opinion, 3 months should be the longest anyone ever has to go without being in a defined relationship. If you’re out there cooking, cleaning and being tied down to him without a title for longer than 3 months, CONGRATULATIONS YOU’VE JUST GRADUATED FROM CLOWN COLLEGE.

A Little Storytime

You know how I said that cooking doesn't keep a man? Well, use this storytime as motivation to avoid going to clown college or to drop out of clown college.

Just like most women, I grew up hearing the line, "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." I have never been the type to cook for man. Aside from my family, only two men can testify to tasting my cooking. One of those men is the one this storytime is about.

As I said earlier, I have never been the type to cook for a man but honey this man wasn't like every other man (at the time), he was sweet, soft, decent, educated and respectful. While he didn't have me planning weddings and all, he definitely had me looking through cook books to impress him. After talking and hanging out for a while, I decided it was time for him to meet Chef Msanide.

One day when he was planning a dinner date, I suggested cooking for him and he was okay with it. If he was just some basic person, I would have made him grilled chicken and chips, but honey he was somewhat special. The day of the dinner came and I couldn't come up with a recipe, so I hit up my aunt and asked her for her bomb curry recipe. To top it off I even went to the liqour store and got us some expensive white wine cause I was tryna go all out.

We planned on meeting at 7pm. As soon as my shift was over I rushed home, cleaned the house like the Pope was visiting and your girl was ready to throw it down. Now, I didn't want to throw it down without him there, I made sure to wait for him to arrive so he could see what wifey material was like in action.

Being the punctual person he was, he showed up at 7 on the dot and I got cooking. He even helped me cut up the vegetables and all, it was the cutest thing ever. We were talking, I was pouring the wine and feeling hella fancy. Once the curry was ready...ya'll...I snapped. I hate to praise myself but I did not disappoint, that curry snapped so hard my ancestors were begging for a plate.

Before we ate I took out my fancy plates, poured him one more glass of wine, and made him a plate. The whole time he was eating I was proud of myself. When he was done i made him another plate and honestly, he was loving it. Guess what happened, I bragged about it, him and I talked for some time and then nothing.

Moral of the story, I should have served him bread and butter with $5 wine.

If you're comfortable, share your own clown moment's in the comments below.

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